Finding and Forgiving
by SkywalkerChild
Summary: A post-return story (written before the show ended): Janeway and Chakotay meet up at a cocktail party...
1. Almost Like it Used to Be

Disclaimer: "Star Trek: Voyager" and all of the characters are property of Paramount and Gene  
Roddenberry's estate.   
Author's Note: This story was inspired by the Tim McGraw song "You Don't Love Me Anymore." Some of the  
dialouge is stolen from there, but no infringement is intended.  
AN2: I know this piece is sort of...condensed. It feels like it wants to be something more, but I wanted some  
feedback on this first before I made a decision.  
  
ALMOST LIKE IT USED TO BE  
  
She stood in a separate crowd of people, pressed tightly against a table full of cocktail hors d'ouvres. Another  
sip of synthehol slid down her throat as she tried to muster up the courage to speak to him. For a brief   
moment, she hadn't even been sure it *was* him. Then, of course, reality had set in and she could no longer  
justify the tattoo as a mere coincidence. Even hidden under too long black-gray hair, it was unmistakable.  
  
Finally, she pushed herself away from the cocktails and began making her way through the crowd. Each step  
closer made her want to turn and walk the other way. He hadn't seen her, after all. There was no real reason  
for her to go over and say anything to him. With all these people around, how would he react? She heard her  
name and smiled with half-attention. His voice was still low and calm, after everything.  
  
She tapped him on the shoulder politely, heart racing in her chest. He turned around slowly, the dimples  
fading as he looked down into her eyes.  
  
"Have we met somewhere before?" she joked nervously, sipping her drink with a shaking hand.  
  
The smile returned tentatively to his face. There was a brief moment of hesitation on both their parts, and   
then his familiar hand was on the small of her back. They walked to a corner, retrieved their coats, and then  
began to exit the building.  
  
"Two years," he finally said.  
  
She nodded. "I didn't know you'd been released. Otherwise..."  
  
He shook his head. "You don't have to say it."  
  
*****  
  
They sat drinking coffee now, close to her small fireplace. Reminiscing did wonders on the soul but was   
murder on the heart. There were too many away missions they couldn't talk about; one too many late nights  
they thought they'd forgotten.  
  
"I tried to call," he began. "I don't know how many letters I typed, only to erase them." He paused. "There  
was so much I had to say."  
  
She watched his eyes and saw everything he wasn't saying. Then again, there wasn't much left to say. She  
had tried not to cry as he boarded the prisoner transport in Southern Carolina. She had done her best to keep  
him free, but Starfleet was a hard mistress. For weeks afterwards, she had felt his arms around her, his lips  
on hers. First and last kiss--she would never forget it.  
  
Unconciously, they had moved closer to each other during their stories. Now, knees touching, she felt the need  
to relive that kiss, and not taste salt water falling from her eyes. Her hand on his thigh startled both of them.  
There was still some things she had to say.  
  
*****  
  
The hard, frozen rain on her bedroom window woke her up. She turned over, expecting to find him there.  
Instead, she found cold sheets and an unused pillow.  
  
"Chakotay?" she asked fearfully, sitting up in bed.  
  
His shadow, once again full dressed, turned towards her slowly.  
  
"I have to go, Kathryn. My transport will be leaving earlier because of the weather."  
  
She pulled the sheets closer around her body and sighed softly. She knew this had to happen; he couldn't stay.  
She wouldn't let him. Yet...  
  
"I wish you didn't have to go."  
  
She saw the sad smile even in the dark.  
  
"For a minute, Kathryn, I forgot that you don't love me anymore." 


	2. To Be Sure

Disclaimer: Paramount and anything affiliated to it own these characters. I, however, own the situation I   
threw them into. No one can steal it, so =P.  
Rating: PG for insinuation  
Author's Note: This time, I stole dialouge and situations from the Barenaked Ladies and their songs "Wrap  
Your Arms Around Me" and "What A Good Boy." Both on their "Gordon" album.  
  
TO BE SURE  
  
He had known it would be like this--a one night stand for her, a year of thinking for him. He was entering   
week two of his self-pity. The moon's landscape was offering little solace.  
  
Sitting at his desk, archealogical papers strewn everywhere, his mind was in Indiana with a red head he'd once  
called "Captain." He didn't care about the exams he should be grading; he just wanted order back in his life.  
Australia had given him that order for two years. He almost wished he could have it back.  
  
This was just like her--storming into his life, altering it completely with one deed, and leaving. *Okay, so I   
actually do the leaving, but she never keeps in contact.* He hadn't heard from her since that night.  
  
Her words floated around in his mind, torturing him with what they meant she didn't feel: *I know that it isn't  
right, but be with me tonight.*  
  
Of course he had conceded to her wish; for seven years he had done nothing less. Lying next to her, he had   
wondered if she could love him tomorrow as she had for an instant that night. She must have read his mind  
because she's said she wished they could forget about every fight and every "almost."  
  
Now he knew their chance was gone. He opened his computer and began to dictate a letter:  
Dear Kathryn, I should have told you I'd been wrong all these years, but my pride wouldn't allow it,   
so I walked out on you a week ago. You were right; we never would have worked. We looked away  
from temptation for seven years. Maybe it was never there. Your friend always, Chakotay.  
  
He sent it before he could change his mind. 


	3. All I Knew of Love

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters in this story; they're the property of Paramount and Gene Roddenberry's legacy. I promise  
to return them in one piece.  
Author's Note: This time I stole dialouge/the general idea from the Fiona Apple song "Criminal." No offense intended to her,   
either. The letter is from Lauren Christy's song "You Read Me Wrong." Please don't sue ;)  
Sequel to: "Almost Like It Used to Be" and "To Be Sure."  
Rating: PG, sure, why not?  
  
ALL I KNEW OF LOVE  
  
If she thought that weeping would change anything, she might have broken down there in her office. But she had learned from   
their seven years in the Delta Quadrant that tears didn't change a damn thing. They only made your shirt wet and your eyes red.  
  
There were tons of regrets floating around in her mind as she re-read Chakotay's letter. For all his tough exterior, he had a  
delicate heart. And she had been careless with it because she could. She thought he'd always be there, so she assumed she   
could keep putting him off.  
  
Now he had given up. He believed all the lies about upholding protocol and needing time to recover. Without his love for her,  
she knew a friendship was impossible. How could she interact with someone she loved if he didn't love her? She smiled bitterly,  
realizing that he had been living that dilema since he walked onto her ship, a Starfleet outlaw under a no-holds-barred woman  
captain.  
  
She needed to tell him the truth. She needed to let him know that she was scared. Mark had left her, understandably, but she had   
still felt abandoned. What if Chakotay lost hope in her too? He was a different man, of course; stronger and less likely to let her  
have her way. He wouldn't abandon her.   
  
But he just had.  
  
So what could she say to him? How does the abuser appease the abuse? She wanted him back with her, by her side with his   
hand on the small of her back. She wanted to go back to the night of the cocktail party, when they'd layed together in her bed, the  
frozen rain falling against her window. She wanted a chance to make this right.  
  
She saved his transmission to her computer and then opened a blank screen. She thought long and hard before she pressed the  
record button:  
  
"Dear Chakotay, your message came as a surprise. I had to read it a few times before I realized that you've been reading me  
wrong all these years, which is exactly what I'd wanted. The lies I told were for my own protection; the fighting and disagreeing   
were to keep you at bay. I didn't mean it. The stand-offish captain isn't me; I cry. I cried every time I saw you with someone new  
while we were in the Delta Quadrant.  
But I want to stop lying, Chakotay. I want to tell you that I've loved you since long before New Earth and for every minute after.  
And I want a chance to make this right, to show you that it is love, and that there was temptation. Please don't turn me down.  
Love, Kathryn."  
  
She listened to her voice for any trembling; she watched her face for any indication that she'd been on the verge of tears. There   
were none. So she sent a message to the moon. 


	4. Risking It All

Disclaimer: Janeway and Chakotay are property of Paramount and Gene Roddenberry's estate. I'm just giving them something  
to do during reruns.  
Author's Note: Inspired from the George Michael song "One More Try." No infringement intended there either, George.  
Sequel to: "Almost Like It Used to Be," "To Be Sure," and "All I Knew of Love" (in that order).  
  
RISKING IT ALL  
  
Chakotay couldn't believe what he was hearing. He watched her face for the crooked, fibbing smile, and her eyes for any sign of  
uncertainty. She never did these things to him on purpose, but in retrsopect, her declarations always had tell-tale signs of being  
less than truthful.  
  
There were none this time.  
  
Now he didn't know what to do. She was telling him basically everything he'd ever wanted to hear. Which was a good thing. But  
how long would it be before she changed her mind. And since now she didn't have protocol to fall back on as an excuse, the  
only reason to leave would be that she truly didn't love her.  
  
He leaned back in his chair and thought. He was sick of being alone; he was sick of feeling in danger. After this stint in prison,  
the dangers of the Delta Quadrant finally seemed to be staying still. But the feelings that had been built there had followed them  
all home.  
  
Did he want to try this again? Did he want to give her his heart, go into her home (maybe even her bed) and then find out that it   
wasn't real for her? Again. He coudln't take another "I'm sorry, Chakotay, but we can't."  
  
His mind began to drift back to when he had first met her--long hair pulled up tightly in a bun, she was the woman sent to imprison  
him. And she did. Physically, he was imprisoned on a Federation ship 70,000 light years from home. Emotionally, he was   
unable to have meaningful relationship with anyone because of her. He didn't realize then, as he did now, how dangerous it was to  
fall in love with a woman who 1) had a fiance, 2) was a starship captain, and 3) payed attention to protocol when it suited her. He   
had seen that look in her eyes one too many times--their first meeting after New Earth, at the end of their sail on Lake George,  
even after her return from the Borg--it just said "no."   
  
No, Chakotay, we can't.  
  
*And now she says she loves me,* he thought, somewhat bitterly. She said she had loved him, would love him, for always.   
Could she really settle down to one man? She almost had with Marc; could she do it with him too?  
  
He sighed, and ran a hand through his greying hair. He was lonely, he was old, he was sad. He needed to know if this was really  
how she felt.   
  
He started looking for a place to stay planet side. 


	5. Not Alone

Disclaimer: Paramount owns the rights to Janeway and Chakotay.  
Author's Note: This story is based on the song "Right Here All Along" by the fabulously   
talented Amanda Marshall. I'm not trying to step on her toes by using this song.  
Rating: PG  
  
NOT ALONE  
  
Janeway opened her eyes slowly, feeling the body next to her. Only half-awake, her mind  
tired to decide why she was sharing her bed with someone. It then dawned on her that she  
wasn't in her bed, but was actually lying down on the couch in her living room.   
  
*We must have fallen asleep.*  
  
Her mind began to reel as she looked closely at her sleeping companion. She felt like a teen-  
ager again, sharing a scandalous moment with a boyfriend before her parents came home. But  
she was an adult, and there were no more rules to say she couldn't have this man in her life.  
  
Still, she wasn't sure if this was right. Their friendship had been so unique; would that all be   
gone if they decided to give into what they'd been fighting against for so long? She hoped  
that she wouldn't have to give him up. She prayed that his gods would intercede on their  
behalf.  
  
He tightened his hold on her, mumbling gently in his sleep. Squirming a little, she planted a  
soft kiss on his cheek. He smiled in his sleep.  
  
*Yes,* she thought, *this will be okay.* She could call up a hundered different instances from   
the Delta Quadrant where he had saved her, reassured her. When she wasn't sure about the  
journey home, she would look at him, and his eyes would say that he wanted it as much as she  
did. Looking back, she had known even then that this was what she really wanted.  
  
*****  
  
Chakotay busied himself in the kitchen, trying to decide what to make for breakfast while he let  
Katheryn sleep just a little longer. Even after their return, she had been constantly busy--telling  
Starfleet about their adventures, trying to explain her actions to a group of old men and women  
who would never be in that type of situation. She needed a chance to sleep.  
  
And even though she wasn't saying anything, he didn't feel like he was alone anymore. When   
he had shown up at her door the day before, she had welcomed him with a hug and an   
apology, followed by a lunch she managed to burn.   
  
*Only Katheryn could consistently burn a replicated meal.*  
  
He had counted on that during their stay on Voyager. Every time she invited him to dinner, it   
would inevitably be burned and they would end up sharing cereal and hot chocolate out of his  
replicator. The affectionate jabs they shared over her inability to cook had been as close to a  
declaration of love as he had gotten.  
  
But her last letter had said it all. It was time to start over; no more games, no more hiding.  
  
She had been a pillar of strength during their journey. Anytime he needed to remember what  
Earth looked like from space, he would just look into her eyes and he could see it there,   
waiting for the whole crew to return. And every time he looked at her, all the other women in  
his life just faded away. All the mistakes he made with them, he would not make with her.  
  
He was startled to feel arms around his waist.  
  
"Good morning," she said drowsily. "Tell me you've made coffee."  
  
He grinned. "Of course." He handed her a cup that was still steaming and she drank it down  
gratefully.   
  
"Ah...thank you."  
  
They looked at each other for a moment, smiling. She took his hand with her free one and   
squeezed it gently. "You came back," she said softly.  
  
He nodded. "I knew neither of us wanted to be alone anymore." 


End file.
